There’s this website called Glass Booth that gives you a little questionnaire and then matches you with the presidential candidate you most agree with.

At heart, I guess I am just a goddamned dirty hippy, because I got matched with the goddamned dirty hippy candidate from the Green Party, with 84% similarity. Well, just as long as she doesn’t make Uncle John’s Band the new national anthem, I guess we’re OK.

So I’m watching Spaceballs right now. I have never seen it before. I’m sure some of you are shocked to learn that. I’ve also never seen Young Frankenstein or Blazing Saddles. Just never got around to watching them. Anyway, so I’m watching Spaceballs, and it’s been about a half hour, and I’ve yet to actually laugh. The movie just isn’t funny. And yet it’s considered a classic!? What the fuck? Someone please explain to me why this is supposed to be funny.

Anyway, here is a message for Johnboy:

Humanist philosopher, writer, Renaissance architect and artistic theorist, Leon Battista Alberti is considered by many scholars to be the quintessential Renaissance “universal man” of learning. In addition to painting, designing buildings, and writing scientific, artistic and philosophical treatises, Leon Battista Alberti wrote the first book on Italian grammar and a groundbreaking work on cryptography. He is credited with inventing the cypher wheel, and it was said that from a standing position, with his feet together, Leon Battista Alberti could jump over a man’s head.

RHCP used to rock the fucking house! What the hell happened? Why has everything that was awesome in the 90s turned into a big steaming pile in the 00s?

Another question: why do I feel really sad when I see the neglected dogs on those ASCPA commercials, but I don’t really care when I see the starving kids in the Christian Children’s Fund commercials?

Also, in case you missed it while this was making the rounds on the Internets a few weeks ago: SFW Porn. For realz!

You know what, Governor Palin, it’s pronounced “NU-CLE-AR.” Just because that fucking douche in the White House has been saying it wrong for the last 8 years doesn’t make it right. And you know, it’s amazing how consistently mispronouncing a very common word can make you sound like a complete fucking retard who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Good on ya for bringing the “Terrorists hate our freedom!” line out of retirement, though. Well played, Governor, well played.

This morning I got in my car to go to school, and I noticed a piece of paper on my windshield. So I got out and read it, and it said:

Check your engine area. You have a kitten inside. Call xxx-xxxx if you find it.

So I popped the hood, and goddamned if a real live fucking kitten didn’t jump out! It ran away into the back yard before I could grab it. I hope my dogs don’t eat it if it’s still back there…

Anyway, I called the number, and a lady told me that her daughter spotted the kitten apparently disappear under my car’s hood (don’t even ask me how it managed that), and was terrified that I would start the engine and vaporize it or something. To be completely honest, I did start the engine for about 10 seconds before I saw the note and turned it off, so I (and the cat!) was very lucky that the kitten wasn’t sitting near the actual engine block when I started the car. Funny story: when I turned the engine off, I heard a “meow!” coming from under the hood and had a total WTF moment.

So I wonder how the kitten got in there. Or maybe it was born inside, confirming my theory that all car engines are actually cat-powered, and gas pumps actually dispense water with special cat steroids that make the cats super fast.

In other news, we watched “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle” in my cinema class yesterday. Now, I’ve seen a lot of really crappy movies lately (300, Transformers), but this was just one of the worst fucking movies I’ve ever seen. And the worst part is that the numb-fuck retards I go to school with thought it was the absolute height of comedic genius. It was like a flashback to my sitcom class a few semesters ago when I had to suffer through an episode of “The Single Worst Sitcom Ever Produced, Ever,” better known in America as “Two and a Half Men,” while these stupid pieces of shit all around me cackled like loons. I hate my generation. Seriously.